Who needs fancy sports equipment?

After an informal water-cooler poll this morning I was surprised to learn that most men are not aware of the full range of urination games at their disposal. At the risk of being lewd, attracting the wrong type reader or being labelled as a pervert, I am going share what I flushed out to be the top 6 amusements for those of us lucky enough to pee standing up. Hopefully it will offer you some insight into the human creative process. After all, some of the best games, artwork and technology are often derived from insightful examination of everyday events.



6. Writing your name in the snow. No real explanation needed and probably dates as far back as the written word itself. (Some original manuscripts rumored to still exist in the Nepal region.) However the concept was a bit lost on my southern friends who grew up without snow.


5. Crossfire (aka Sword fight). 2 -player game usually limited to those 7 and younger who are forced to share the bathroom with male siblings. The object is to cross streams as if sword fighting. Quite a surprise to the guys who only had sisters. George Lucas has considered this for Darth vs. Luke but settled on light sabres instead.


4. Sink the cigarette butt. Mostly illegal thanks to the ban on public smoking however in the right bar you might get in a game or two. Really good for hand-eye coordination and improving your concentration. Alternate versions known to include flies, roaches, mosquitoes and moths. (More points are awarded if the moths is still flapping his wings.) The armed forces have been the leading proponents of this science since WWII.




3. Laser drill, saw or water-jet. This is where you use your streaming power to drill or saw through pieces of toilet paper left unflushed by the last user. A favorite among the engineering students studying fluid mechanics.


2. Sandblasting. Without being too graphic, the target in this game is usually some form of caked on residue which must be power-cleaned off the side wall. (Watch that over spray on the rim .) Another engineer's favorite and no doubt the impetus for some of our best power tools.


1. Timed Flush. The object here is to time the flush so that the sounds of all running water end at the same time. Great way to improve timing and coordination. Also useful for those with thin- walled bathrooms or unusually loud streams. (Most men however will discover that they are premature flushers.)




(any comments regarding golden showers, peeing in the shower, peeing in the pool or peeing in your pants to stay warm in the winter will be deleted)

How I tell time.

when Orion appears in front of my house

I know that winter is coming

when he finally moves to the back yard

making way for the big dipper

I know that spring will be here soon.

he does this every year

The Swamp @ Mercer University

CLICK THE PIX FOR THE TOTAL TURTLE

How are we going to eat dinner now?

I used up all our dinner forks trying to copy some great art.

http://fork-art.com/

I thought it would be more fun but I'm finished with this hobby.

February 15?

General Lee, the southern groundhog, has predicted an early spring.

He lives right down the street from me.

http://www.yellowrivergameranch.com/

The crocuses got the message.

The daffodils are not far behind.

Alledgedly, if the daffodils bloom before March 1st,

it's going to snow!

We'll see about that!

A story I heard.

I remember hearing once about three high school seniors who went to New Hampshire for a long party weekend. They brought 7 cases of beer and an ounce of weed. Somewhere around 3:00am one of them suggests that they smoke a joint, light a candle and talk about "reality."

I don't remember what happened next but chances are they woke up 27 years later and realized that reality was actually mortgage payments, kids in braces and dogs who poop on the floor.

A story I like.

Maybe your inbox already has 5 copies but the message hits me in a mid-life crisis sort of way. Afterall, most men lead lives of quiet desperation and we should perhaps strive to do what we love and love what we do. But until I retire in Vermont with my 3 flannel shirts and $50.00 pick-up truck, I'll be happy to write about it. (Or copy and paste about it.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The American Tourist and Mexican Fisherman

An American tourist was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna. The tourist complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.

The Mexican replied, "Only a little while."

The tourist then asked, "Why didn't you stay out longer and catch more fish?"

The Mexican said, "With this I have more than enough to support my family's needs."

The tourist then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life."

The tourist scoffed, " I can help you. You should spend more time fishing;and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat: With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats. Eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor; eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You could leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then Los Angeles and eventually New York where you could run your ever-expanding enterprise."

The Mexican fisherman asked, "But, how long will this all take?"

The tourist replied, "15 to 20 years."

"But what then?" asked the Mexican.

The tourist laughed and said, "That's the best part. When the time is right you would sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions."

"Millions?...Then what?"

The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."